Mum shares poignant story of having a secret miscarriage at work

We all have bad days in work. The boss could be on a rampage, you could be exhausted from little ones up at all hours, or you could just want to crawl home and curl up on the sofa. 

But mum-of-one and engineer, Susana Kuehne from Minnesota, recently shared the absolute worst day in work she ever had. 

She had a miscarriage, and continued working. 

Sharing her experience on ScaryMommy, Kuehne recalled the day her "hopes and dreams of a December baby disappear": 

"I went to the toilet and found the remains of my pregnancy in my underwear. It felt wrong to just flush it down the toilet, but what was the protocol for this situation?" 

"But who was I kidding? I knew what it was and I had to let it go, physically and emotionally." 

Physically and emotionally hurting, Kuehne returned to her desk. Working in a male-dominated environment, she felt openly acknowledging her pain would be construed as weakness: 

"I felt tears aching to get out in the next few hours that passed, but I lectured myself internally and kept reminding myself that tears would equal questions and pity… So I kept a straight face as I typed, smiled when someone walked by, and ignored the emptiness that was drowning my heart with it’s bitter presence — proud of myself for being so mature." 

She tried to see the positive in the situation, doctors had warned her that the pregnancy was not proceeding as normal and she had been prepared with pads and painkillers: 

"I was lucky that it wasn't a real baby grown to full term only to result in a stillbirth. No name had been picked out yet. No nursery had been prepared for its arrival. At only 8 weeks, I should be grateful." 

To this day, the fact that she felt obligated to stay in work still makes her angry: 

 "I didn't have a baby, but it could have been a baby and I didn't even give it the respect of a tear because I was too worried that I would look weak. And because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what had happened in order to ask for the rest of the day off." 

She said that the traumatic experience made her realise how strong and resilient women are forced to be: 

"The day I had my miscarriage at work is the day I realised what being a woman was about.

It’s about being everything you’re expected to be even when the strongest tornado strikes you, and staying silent even though you feel like you’re dying on the inside, because sometimes that’s what your child will need." 

But ultimately, it made her realise that asking for help and taking time off IS brave. And perhaps, one day, women won't have to choose between being "perfect" and being honest: 

"I hope that one day we won’t have to choose between being brave or being weak — that it will be okay to take time for ourselves and still be considered brave." 

If you have been affected by anything in this article, you can find the link to supports and services here.