'Don’t put me on a pity pedestal': what mum of two autistic sons wants other mothers to know
Mum-of-three Jennifer Jeppson wants to talk to mums. Specifically, mums who don't have children with special needs.
Jeppson has two sons, aged 4 and 6, on the autistic spectrum, and there's a few things she wants other mums to know.
"I frequently get asked what other moms can do to support families with special needs," she writes. "In my own experience, here is what I've been thinking about recently."
Firstly, she doesn't want a sainthood:
"Please don’t put me on a pity pedestal. That, 'I couldn't do what you do everyday-I'd go crazy.' 'They are lucky they have you because I couldn't do it.'
"I know those comments are well meaning. Truly, I do. But, frankly, I have never felt like intervening and helping our children was a choice we had. It’s always been something that we’ve HAD to do. So we’ve done it. It’s not like lessons or little league where we made a choice to be involved-it is something our children NEED to have a shot at life. Those comments can feel isolating at times. Maybe say, 'I really admire all you do for a children.' Or, 'they are so lucky to have a mum that loves them so much.' Just make it a positive."
Secondly, the company of other mums is a must-have:
"Just do. Take a meal, send a text, invite to a girls night. If you ever have a thought to reach out to a friend or family member who’s a parent to a child with special needs….DO.
"My life gets so bogged down with things that I am always so grateful for when someone reaches out to me. At times, I can be sooo drained that I can’t even think about maintaining friendships. It’s not that I don’t want to, but it’s hard. Reach out and do."
With a more hectic schedule than some, sometimes social pleasantries can be forgotten:
"Give me the benefit of the doubt. If I forget to send a thank you, am slow to call back or respond to text, chalk it up to how overwhelmed I am. If I am quiet at a dinner or seem off, I am most likely trying my best to stifle my very tender and raw emotions. And I promise to do it too."
Finally, she wishes mums without special needs children would be more grateful for what they have.
"Sometimes I am jealous. I'm jealous at your life unencumbered by therapy and doctors and school meetings and evaluations. I’m grateful you don’t spend hours on the phone fighting with the insurance company or hours filling out paperwork. You’re busy too. I know you have your hard stuff too. But you hopefully had a choice to get busy with lessons, etc., which is such a blessing. The fact that your children can do those things is a blessing, which we can easily forget."
Other mums are loving her honesty and being upfront with what an autism mum needs.
"Invite invite invite. Even if we leave early. Even if we can’t even come. Even if your kid is weirded out by my kid. It’s not going to get better if we all stay in our lanes."
"So very well put. I needed to read that today, thank you."
"Right on, sister. So true. Assuming the best of people is always a good place to start."
Yes mama! With all our own lives so busy it can be easy to forget about other struggling mums, but even a quick text is a great place to start.